My 11 year old son, Hunter, punched another boy, J, in the face at school a couple weeks ago.
Our family is familiar with J. He attended a sleep over in our home earlier this winter. His mom showed up to drop him off an hour early, in shorts (it was 20 degrees outside), with no tooth brush, pajamas, coat, or anything.
It can be difficult keeping track of Hunter's numerous friends. I remember J because the entire time he was in our home my son was constantly saying, “don’t do that!”
For example, this kid walked through my house putting his hands on everything including art work on the wall. My son told him several times not to touch the crystal in the china cabinet, get out of the cabinets, leave the sewing machine alone, etc. Just annoying little things like that.
After J left, (his mom was two hours late picking him up), my son fell on the couch and said, “WHEW!”
While Hunter remained friends with J at school, he never invited him back over.
So a couple weeks ago Hunt came home from school and said, “I got into a fight today at school mom.”
I said, “Huh? What happened?”
He said, “Remember J?”
I nodded.
“Well he sits beside me at lunch. (They eat at metal picnic type tables.) We have assigned spots. He takes stuff off my tray.”
“You mean food?” I asked.
Hunter nodded. “Yeah. And every time I tell him to give it back. But he doesn’t. So I have to get the attention of one of the teachers and have them make him give it back.”
“How many times has this happened?” I asked.
“Three,” Hunter said. “And everyday there are different teachers in the lunch room.”
“What do they say to him?” I asked.
Hunter shrugged. “They just tell him, ‘give hunter back his food.’ Then they go about their business.”
Ok.
He continues, “So today he took my candy bar. I told him to give it back. He wouldn’t. So I grabbed it from him. He got mad and pushed me, but I just kept eating and ignored the push. But then he got really mad because I ignored his push and shoved me really hard. I fell off the end of the bench onto the floor taking some of my food with me.”
“Why didn’t you just ask a teacher to make him give it back?” I asked.
“Because I am tired of it mom. They don’t ever do anything to him, and he knows better! So I just took it back.”
“Then what?” I asked.
“So I got up off the floor, sat down, and punched his face.”
“Did he hit you back?” I asked.
Hunter shook his head. “No. He just turned really red and was quiet the rest of lunch period.”
“So how did you get in trouble?” I asked.
He said, “One of the kids at the table saw it happen and told on us after lunch. I know I’m in trouble mom. But I was done. I’m not taking it anymore. How many times do I have to let him take something from me? I’m ready for punishment.”
We talked about alternate responses briefly. I sent him to his room and called the school (after listening to a message his principal left on my machine).
I verified the story with the principal.
So here is how the conversation with the principal went.
“Mrs. Tova, Hunter punched another child in the eye today,” Mr. D said.
“Can you tell me what happened?” I asked (because I wanted to make sure I was getting the whole story.)
“That’s what Hunter told me,” I said.
“Well, the consequences of hitting another student is suspension.” Mr D said.
Before I could say anything…
“But since Hunter has no record of violence, or even of temper according to his teachers, I am going to let him serve one day of in- school suspension in my office.”
“Ok,” I said. “I’ve talked with Hunter and explained that he can’t be fighting at school. I also told him I’d rather he get in trouble for getting up out of his seat without permission to move from a volatile situation, than getting into trouble fighting. But frankly, the kid deserved it.”
Long pause.
“I’m, um, sorry you feel that way.” Mr D said. “If Hunter was having problems with this child he should have come to me.”
I laughed. “He went to three separate teachers and got no satisfaction. I remember fifth grade well Mr D and I don’t think going to the principal about a problem was EVER an option in my mind.”
Another long pause.
“So is the other child being disciplined?” I asked.
“No.”
“WHAT? He at the very least provoked Hunter. He is not being disciplined?” I said.
“No,” Mr D said. “Shoving someone to the ground is not hitting. We have rules against hitting. Kids shove each other all the time.”
I said, “What about taking things that don’t belong to you? What about making a habit of doing it? Aren’t there rules against that?”
“Hunter should have come to me,” Mr D said.
Got off the phone and called my son back into the kitchen.
I told Hunter the in school suspension was punishment enough. He wasn’t in any trouble at home. But I emphasized he needed to walk away from an explosive situation before it escalated.
Since his dad is gone, I was wondering if I handled it ok. Frankly, I was in a lot of fights all through out school and for a lot less provocation. But since Columbine, schools are totally freaked out about any kind of fighting. They have classes and teach kids how to tell on the other children.
So when I finally was able to talk with my husband he said, “Good job! I am so proud of him.”
I told my husband the principal didn’t agree.
My husband assured me “boys are gonna fight” and was glad to know Hunter was able to stand up for himself.
This is the kind of thing that reminds me how much boys need their dads. I didn’t have a “normal” childhood, so I can’t use that as a template for my kids. And I was never a boy. It seems there are lots of wrong ways to handle it, and only a few good ones, and being a man (who was once a boy) gives most men the wisdom.
Since this incident J still interacts with Hunter in games and class, but has stopped taking his food and trying to annoy him.
It makes me wonder how much is heading my way that only a dad can really handle well.
And if I'm man enough for the job.