***********************************GRAPHIC PHOTOS OF A  POST-MASTECTOMY BREAST BELOW******************************************

I won’t lie.

I struggled with whether or not to post these pictures.

After all, you can see the ravages of breast cancer simply by googling it.

But those pictures aren’t my genuine experience.

Those pictures aren’t me.

Certain my pride would keep its secrets, breast cancer forced an unwanted intimacy; dragged me into depths of pain; breathed vile, unholy, curses across my soul; tried to shame me into submission.

And for awhile, after unwinding the bandages, looking at the scarred deformed flesh for the first time since surgery, I gasped, hesitated, almost submitted to the hideous whispers.

But you know what?

That’s not who I am.

I don’t submit to fear.

And I certainly don’t remain silent when forced into intimacy with something as vile as a disease that wants to eat my life, kill my faith, destroy my family.

So I’m outing my breast cancer.

Outing the scars.

Outing the pain.

Outing the intimate reality of a disease that claims 1 of every 8 women in this country.

You see it, as I saw it.

FIVE DAYS POST SURGERY

This is a picture of the surgical bra worn after mastectomy/lumpectomy.  I had a right side mastectomy, but it looks backward here because I used a mirror to take the picture.  The left side is good to go, but eventually an implant will be placed on the right side to even me up.

This is a tube attached to a drain that sticks out the side of the body.  The tube stays for about 2 weeks.  Some women have two per breast.  I have one because I only allowed 4 lymph nodes to be taken.  If they did them all, (sentinel and axilla) there would likely be two tubes here. 

This is self-explanatory.  The hole without the bandage.

A closer view.  What you don’t see (because I couldn’t get the bandage off), is the 3 inch incision on the other side in about the same place where they placed the chest tube to re-inflate the lung.  The tube in this pic is strictly to drain lymph fluid and blood.  It aches 24/7.  And also the 4 inch incision under my right arm where lymph nodes were removed.  My right hand is cold all the time now.  Hope that clears up as the swelling goes down. 

The incision under the left breast with augmentation.  They pull the pectoral muscle off the ribs and place the silicon implant beneath it.  My husband asked me to not show that breast but the gross incision and bruise is FINE.  lol  But if you’ve seen one boob, well….

This is the port placed above my left breast for chemo.  It’s the lump, I don’t know what the top red bump is…but it hurts.  lol  That might be where my lung was punctured, I dunno.

And finally….

The right mastectomy.  It is not flat because there is an expander placed beneath the pectoral muscle to stretch the skin.  Originally the implant was going to be placed after mastectomy because I didn’t go Pam Andersen (bigger), just back to where I was before cancer..so there was plenty of skin for that.  However, the lump was so close to the skin the surgeon took more skin than anticipated.  So an expander was placed to stretch my skin back to normal.

Hopefully he got all of the cancer cells from the skin (clear margins) or he’ll have to go back and take more.  If he did get it all, then I will have saline injected into this expander 2-3 times before it is swapped out for a silicon implant.  The breast will always be numb, and I will likely have a nipple tattooed on for aesthetics, or something more fun…who knows.  (There are suction cup nipples on the market….hhahaha…no kidding!)  But I’m really not into them.  Mostly I just want to look normal in clothes, and a Franken-boob meets that criteria.

If you look close you can see part of the rubber expander on my sternum.  It is a constant stiff pressure and hurts.

More than a little bit.

This isn’t the worst.  There is still chemo, steroids, and radiation to go yet.  And oh yeah, since I have an uber aggressive type of breast cancer…it will likely recur in the next few years, somewhere else in my body.

There is one thing I know for sure.  I won’t submit or go quietly.

And while cancer devours my body…..

it can pucker up and kiss my ass.