Gah.

Sometimes I could just kick myself.

I like to write fiction.

Shocker, I know. 

Ya think you know a person…..

Anyway, I started an idea for a story last spring.  I wrote several chapters and then discovered a book already published that pretty much went where I was going with the story.  https://forums.joeuser.com/?forumid=314&aid=148727#1187639

Discouraged, I deleted it.  Then forgot about deleting it.

So, this story is playing in the back of my head on an endless loop.  For some reason, when I start to read a book, or watch a movie, 99 percent of the time I have to finish it even if its horrible.

 Why?

 If I don’t finish, the story replays in my head on an endless loop, except I change endings over and over.  Worse, I can’t move on totally to a new storyline because the old one creeps in when I’m not looking.

This loop takes center stage when I try to sleep or am sick.  Nothing like thinking the same thing over and over as I hug the toilet.

So all last night and this morning I searched my back up discs for the story.  I need to finish it for peace of mind.   After a couple hours of searching I remembered, “Duh, I didn’t back it up.  I deleted it!”

I am so disgusted.  I NEVER delete my stories, no matter how bad they suck.  And the first time I do, WHAM, I live to regret it.

I think of the hours I put into the next several chapters, the research, and just want to scream.

This may be the only way for me to move on though, having it gone.  Because I am too stubborn to rewrite something I’ve already done unless editing.

So now I have to either re-write….which I don’t want to do…or have this loop in my head forever. 

BIG DUMB DUMMY!

Gah.

GAH!