Aren't you dead YET???

Published on February 28, 2006 By Tova7 In Home & Family

My aunt (who is the only mother figure in my life) is dying of lung cancer. Link

By the time most people find out they have lung cancer (because of symptoms), they have about 3-6 months to live. Peter Jennings was diagnosed and died within three months. Once it progresses past being “operable” the survival stats for surviving even one year go way down to almost nil.

My aunt was diagnosed a year and a half ago. By all accounts, statistically and in the opinion of more than five oncologists, she should be long dead.

Right now she takes chemo once every three weeks and then is sick for about 7 days. Her quality of life when she is not ill from chemo is good, I would even say normal. She tires easier, but since she always had an abundance of energy, “easier” means she cleans the whole house in one day instead of cleaning AND mowing the grass all in one.

We go shopping and talk and spend time together and I am so thankful for every moment.

But there are people, friends and family, on the fringe of our inner family who have grown impatient with her survival.

Not consciously, or maliciously, but impatient all the same.

I see it in their faces when she is around. Death is staring them in the eye and while it was sad and inevitable at first, most are decidedly uncomfortable with the constant reminder of mortality.

Her illness is like an albatross around the necks of those who love her…..a dread hiding in our souls waiting to be birthed in mourning. And the longer is stews there, the more we have to think about.

And they are tired of thinking about it. After all what is the acceptable time to wait for the birthing? Are we expected to carry this dread forever? Get on with the birthing, bring on the mourning! (Something I can almost hear echoing in the wind when they do come around.)

Instead of considering her feelings on the matter, it is now all about the individual. Her friends don’t come round to visit or offer help as much. Her very best friend deserted her all together. She told people, “I just can’t stand to watch her die. It is killing me.”

Yeah right. She’s not even “sick” yet.

I could understand the hesitancy people now show to be around if she was a whiner. But to this day, she does not complain about chemo. Until she lost her hair, most friends and family didn’t even know about the darkness in her lungs claiming her life.

She insists on driving herself to and from chemo appointments, and makes sure to schedule things around her sick days so no one is inconvenienced. She only goes out when she is feeling strong so no one will see her looking “sickly.” She hates sympathy of any kind.

She really despises people who use her illness as a catalyst for receiving sympathy for themselves. She says, “By hell I don’t want someone using me to get sympathy for themselves when I don’t even feel sorry for myself!”

She is a fighter, and so far this cancer is seeing the brunt end of her hillbilly will.

I wonder how long she will fight it off before it spreads and devours her insides. I wonder if she lives another year or two if there will even be anyone left besides the inner family who cares.

Yes, I know from experience, it is hard to watch someone die. People have daily lives and death is a pretty heavy subject to deal with every day. But she does it with grace, so the least we can do is honor her will. At the very minimum, those who claim to love her should not have this question in their eyes.……

“Aren’t you dead yet?”

Comments

Danny Bassette

on Feb 28, 2006

We're all dying, in that regard your aunt isn't any different. She just has a good idea what will kill her. Sounds like these other people are the ones with the problem, not enjoying the time she still has with them. Who knows, they might die first. Few things are certain in life, death is one of them. It sounds like your enjoying her company, good for you.

dharmagrl

on Feb 28, 2006

Her friends don’t come round to visit or offer help as much. Her very best friend deserted her all together. She told people, “I just can’t stand to watch her die. It is killing me.”

And that attitude is common. It's the reason I decided I wanted to volunteer for the hospice. I'm not afraid of watching people die, I'm not scared to get attached to someone who I know isn't going to be around for very long.

And neither are you, from the sounds of things.

Tova7

on Feb 28, 2006

We're all dying, in that regard your aunt isn't any different.

This is true and something she says whenever someone gets all teary eyed around her.

Who knows, they might die first

Buwhahaha. I have to tell you, when she gets mad at my uncle now she says, "Don't mess with me Mike. I'll kill ya as soon as look at ya. I'm a short timer!"

Tova7

on Feb 28, 2006

And neither are you, from the sounds of things

It's not so hard to do with her because I love her.

I helped take care of an old man across the street from us in Texas when he was dying of colon cancer. His wife died a year before and then he was diagnosed. He had a huge rambling house and his grown kids and grown grand kids (about 15 in all) couldn't be bothered to come over and clean his house! Or hire anyone to do it either.

I took it on because I felt so bad for the man. You can imagine how nasty his bathroom got with colon cancer. And his kitchen, well lets say he never cooked in his life while married! His kids would come in to visit while I was there cleaning (for free I might add) and treat me like the hired help. Making sure to put yellow stick it notes with their names on each antique and possession they wanted after he died.

To me he was just a lonely old man who enjoyed my cooking and my two year old's company. I got to know him a bit before he became ill. He ate at our house a lot, came to social functions, a really nice sweet man.

We moved right before he died. Hospice was involved and it probably happened two weeks after we left.

I don't know if I could do what you are gonna do D. Not because I would be afraid or too sad to watch death, but because watching the family of someone dying, how they act, how they treat the dying, would break my heart....or kill me with swallowing my anger.

Locamama

on Feb 28, 2006

IHis kids would come in to visit while I was there cleaning (for free I might add) and treat me like the hired help. Making sure to put yellow stick it notes with their names on each antique and possession they wanted after he died

That is so awful. I don't understand people. I am not a perfect person but I consider myself to be kind and caring and I just don't think I could ever be this way. At least, I hope not.

Your aunt seems to have a great attitude and I'm glad that she has you around. Maybe she'll hang on even longer just to spite them.

Tova7

on Feb 28, 2006

Your aunt seems to have a great attitude and I'm glad that she has you around

Thanks Loca. I feel blessed just being able to be here and not some far away state or half way around the world....ha.

Maybe she'll hang on even longer just to spite them

That's fine by me. More us time!

KFC Kickin For Christ

on Mar 01, 2006

I'm sorry to hear about your Aunt, Tova, but I love her spunk!! She's my kind of gal. I hope I can be like her if I face the same situation.

Like Danny said, we're all dying here. The land of the living isn't here that's for sure. I'm looking forward to the time I can shed this body and trade it in for a new glorified one.

Give your Aunt lots of hugs!! I'm sure a hug from you just makes her day!!

Tova7

on Mar 01, 2006

Thanks KFC....

She is spunky!

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