Disturbia, fiction, family, friends, and everything else between the lions.
or something.....
Published on November 17, 2010 By Tova7 In Blogging

I went to get my boob filled today.

Seriously.

I bought a Venti Starbucks Skinny Vanilla Latte to fill my belly, then reclined on a table while the good doctor inserted a needle and pumped 100 ml of saline into the expander.  I made him stop at 100 because my pectoral muscle was tweaking.  But now I think he could have gone at least 50 more.  I have 200 ml to go yet, but several months to get there.  Can’t swap expander for gummy bear until I’m done with chemo.

Speaking of which.  I start dose dense chemo on the 30th.  Every two weeks for the first round, then every week for the second.  Oh yeah.  Right now I plan to post pictures of the  baldness…but we’ll see when it happens…lol, I may just not be able to put you through it.  All five people who read my blog.

Unless of course I buy a costume…hmmm……that idea is now simmering…back burner.

Still it was nice to get a boob fill today, progress and all.

I asked for a customer loyalty, frequent user card.  Ya know, so I can swipe it next time I’m in for a fill; maybe get some free points, some free coffee, something.

The plastic surgeon didn’t think it was funny.

I threatened to take my business elsewhere.

Still didn’t crack a smile.

Oh well.  He doesn’t have to have a sense of humor, he’s a frigging top notch surgeon.  (And handsome to boot.   Always a plus when boobs are involved.) 

Doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying to see his pearly whites tho. 

As I was leaving, we scheduled the second fill.  I told him the next time he saw me, I’d be a fat hunch back (steroids, IV and pills) and bald (chemo)….but he’d recognize the awesome rack.

Still.  Nothing.

Not even a smirk.

Some people...

-----------------------

Life is too short for self-delusion.”

I don’t know who said it; if anyone ever officially took credit for coining the phrase. But lately? In my life?

Truer words are hard to find.  (For some reason this plays out in my head like a country music tune.  Truer woooooooooords are haaaard tooooooooo fiiiiiiiiiind.)

I think most people lie to themselves at least once a day. (Probably much more than once. Has to be. Have you seen some of the winter “fashion” this year? And STRETCH PANTS ARE BACK!! REALLY?!? We’re fatter than we’ve ever been as a culture and STRETCH PANTS ARE BACK?! Somebody’s doing some BUTT FAT LYIN!)

BC (before cancer) I believed a certain amount of lying to myself was acceptable. I mean how can we get through life being totally, brutally honest at all times with ourselves?

For instance. Gain a few pounds?  Blame it on “middle age spread” rather than the fact I’ve eaten more calories than I’ve burned.

If I actually tell myself the truth, it might require I change an eating behavior (i.e., giving up chocolate or some other well loved high calorie food), or actually begin a NEW one, like exercising more, or in a different way.  Or, god forbid, give up complaining about the size of ass.  (Like that’s gonna happen.)

BC, I was a big saver. Ask my husband. I liked to pay cash for vehicles, drive them until the doors fell off, and live without debt. I set a household budget, and no matter how many promotions and pay increases our household saw; never increased the budget by more than 40% total over a 20 year period (no matter where we lived, or the # of people, pets, activity in the family). Try living in Alaska on a Florida budget. Not. Easy.

Maybe it was going hungry as a kid; maybe greed. Did I have to save so much? Was it necessary for several years to save 50-60-70% of our household income?

Who knows.

If I live long enough, I may be a  big saver again. Right now though? I’m a big SPENDER.

Why?

I tell myself … “Can’t take it with you.”

Truth?

I deserve to spend some of the money I’ve studiously, religiously, saved all my adult life. (Don’t get me wrong. You can’t take a frugal saver and just turn things around. When I say spend I mean:  I go to buy clothes and purchase what I like with cash, (some habits are hard to break) EVEN WHEN IT’S NOT ON SALE!! And the Christmas budget for the kids is officially doubled. (Thank you Toys R Us for accommodating this change of philosophy ).

Truth inside the truth?

I may be dead next year. This could be our last Christmas.  So what’s a few thousand dollars compared to giving the kids a Christmas I really want them to have and buying clothes for winter right now? Besides, I didn’t save my whole life to make my husband’s next wife comfortable! She can save her own damn money!!

~sniff~

Sorry, I digress sometimes when I think about her. But that’s a whole nuther topic.

So, self delusion isn’t always about such shallow topics like spending money and ass size. Those are just the only personal ones palatable enough for public consumption.

The “what” of the delusion isn’t as important as the “why” of it any way.

Changing behavior/philosophies usually isn’t fun and can be HARD WORK.. So that’s one reason we lie to ourselves. But occasionally I think the truth behind the truth should be pulled out, examined, accepted or rejected as personal choice/belief dictates.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. Looking at the truth behind the truth behind many personal emotions/actions/beliefs.  Confused yet?

Good.  We’re making progress..lol

For the record, when it comes to ass size?

Truth?

I don’t want to be old. Being old means I’m tired; closer to death. Being old means I have to give up being young. Being old means my time is almost done and I should shut up and sit down already.

Truth behind the truth?  That’s just our culture talkin.

Being old (well lets be super honest, at this point, being old would be a gift), for me, is however I choose to define it. I want to be an uber fit, snow boarding, gray haired (or bald, whatever) woman. I want my grandkids to say… “We’re going to see Grandma Tonya. Better rest up!”

You don’t get to define what being “old” is for me anymore than I get to do that for you.

Unless I let you.

Unless you let me.

So how does looking at the truth behind the truth affect the size of my ass?  The knowledge frees me to find a comfortable able-to-run-my-grandkids-in-the-dirt me as I define it.

And you know what? I don’t have to be what our culture says I should be (as if that were ever really a big problem for me), just, healthy, robust, and LIVING….lol.

Then there is always the truth, behind the truth, behind the truth.

But um, NONE of those are available for public consumption.

So, truth?

I’m off…. gotta go shopping…there is a pair of stretch pants out there with my name on them!

And they aren’t even on sale!!


Comments
on Nov 17, 2010

 

on Nov 17, 2010

oh...lots I could say here, but no time.  Getting ready to head out the door.

I'm turning 50 in just a matter of days and I'm fighting it tooth and nail.  I feel like I have the body of a 30 year old and intend to keep it that way as long as possible.  I ran a race recently and took great satisfaction in beating the 20-somethings and the 30 somethings not to mention all the 40-49 age category. 

I may be a grandmother but I don't intend on looking like one anytime soon!

My poor grandbabies.  Will they feel gypped? 

Let's NOT grow old together T.. k?   

on Nov 17, 2010

Let's NOT grow old together T.. k?

Sounds good to me!!  Call me when you hit town D.

on Nov 17, 2010

I like the Christmas idea. I think not because you think it's your last, cause seriosly, it could be the last for everyone. Make Christmas how you want it, even if it's spending your money, cooking up a storm or snowboarding your ass off!!

Speaking of ass's. Mines flat. I would love a little ass please.

You have said some good stuff here. I hope we have a conversation similar to this as both of our old ass's are flying down the mountain. You can snowboard. I'll stick with the skis!

on Nov 17, 2010

You have said some good stuff here. I hope we have a conversation similar to this as both of our old ass's are flying down the mountain. You can snowboard. I'll stick with the skis!

I'll have to get better at snowboarding Kelly since I spend  a lot of time falling down...but hell, I thought my grandkids might teach me some moves....lol.

As for conversation while flying down the mountain....you'll be too busy eating my dust!!  lol 

Competitive much? 

on Nov 17, 2010

As for conversation while flying down the mountain....you'll be too busy eating my dust!! lol

haha..that may have been the case 3 years ago. I have already crashed at all speeds, terrains and weather patterns. Now, I'm upright unless we get in to really, really deep powder. Sooooo...I guess the race is on. Our grandkids can wait in the lodge drinking hot chocolate.

There's only one way...We must set a date and a place for the race!!

on Nov 18, 2010

There's only one way...We must set a date and a place for the race!!

And a few other things too my sister. 

on Nov 18, 2010

I wonder if the surgeon is allowing his work to get to him?  If you think about it, all he sees are people in life crises, and if you are anyone with any amount of empathy, that has to play on you eventually.  perhaps he has just shut down to preserve his sanity.  I only know that I would not be able to do it.  A friend, an oncology nurse, says it is the worst nursing job bar none.  I can believe it.

But his attitude will not affect yours.  And you may get that smile from him yet!  Keep Trying.

on Nov 18, 2010

I wonder if the surgeon is allowing his work to get to him? If you think about it, all he sees are people in life crises, and if you are anyone with any amount of empathy, that has to play on you eventually. perhaps he has just shut down to preserve his sanity. I only know that I would not be able to do it. A friend, an oncology nurse, says it is the worst nursing job bar none. I can believe it.

He's a PLASTIC surgeon Doc...not an Oncology surgeon...he does everything plastic, from forehead lifts to boobs, to lipo.....cancer patients are probably not even 5% of his clients.  But he's also a quiet kind of guy.  And I consider it my calling in life to tease and cajole the quiet ones...especially when they're handsome doctors...buwhahahahahha.

My oncology nurses LOVE their job.  (So they say.)

on Nov 18, 2010

My oncology nurses LOVE their job. (So they say.)

My reference to "worst" was about how hard it is (sorry, bad choice of words before).  They have to want to do it to keep at it, so I do not doubt what they say.

As for the plastic surgeon - sorry for my mis-understanding.  Perhaps he has had a little too much botox?

on Nov 18, 2010

Perhaps he has had a little too much botox?

   I actually wondered about that, so it is hysterical to see you reference it....whatever it is tho, it is workin for him. He's a hottie. 

on Nov 19, 2010

This is what I was talking about before...this is the Tova I love to read.  Evoking a broad spectrum of emotion and wonder at the cajones on that girl.