Disturbia, fiction, family, friends, and everything else between the lions.
BC Diary Excerpt
Published on October 6, 2010 By Tova7 In Blogging

“I had the WEIRDEST dream last night.”huge.102.512458[1]

Don’t you hate when a friend or family member utters those words?

It is usually followed by twenty minutes of "and then(s)" rambling which seems to make perfect sense to them, but not a bit to anyone else.

So.

I had the weirdest dream last night. 

Try to keep up…

A friend’s house, (maybe Aunt Jamie’s?), a demon, or demons, haunting the place. I walked from room to room with a cross my Uncle Harry carved for me several years ago when I lived in Dover, Delaware. It’s about the size of my hand with a little wooden pedestal. I went into each room and confronted the invisible enemy, attempted to banish it in the name of Jesus. 

Except, er, the cross broke in my hand. And a couple times I looked down and it wasn’t even a cross at all, but something else, something close; but not quite the real thing. Inside I thought, well, maybe the demon won’t notice the cross is broke. But of course it did, and much thundering and fear ensued.

In the way of dreams, jump to an outdoor, good old southern Baptist, knee slappin, Hallelujah revival. It wasn’t in Ohio, but down in the coal scented fog hills of Kentucky, where my dad’s family originated. My grandpa/preacher-kinda-guy officiated. He preached but I didn’t hear the words. Things were chaotic, and there wasn’t even a tent! Just a bunch of people milling about on the grass, with a few fold-up chairs here and there; one of which I occupied.

And in a totally original, totally unexpected gesture, the Grandpa/preacher guy asked for money.

I scrounged around in my purse looking for my wallet.  (Why, even in dreams, is the thing you need most always located at the BOTTOM of the purse?)

As he continued speaking, a black woman came up to me. In the dream, she smiled. I knew her. We were friends.

“Go over and introduce yourself to X (can’t remember the name) she wants to meet you.” My dream friend said as though she not only knew me, but knew X, and wanted us to meet.

X, a very tall black woman dressed in a white tank top and white pants, smiled at me. But, I didn’t have time to meet and greet, too busy (AHA!) pulling money out of my wallet. There was a ten, five, and three ones. I thought about just giving the $3, then caught the impulse.

In life, whenever I catch myself being greedy, I try to not only give what I was going to “negotiate” with my conscience, but also everything I wanted to hold back. I’m a little proud of that tho, and have guilt because of it….hahaha. So I dropped it all in the plate.

X eventually walked over to me. Her white shoes a contrast against the green grass, her black skin glistening against the white clothes, red lipstick against white teeth.

I don’t know if we spoke because the dream changed.

I drove Robert’s old blue Ford through a dreamscape of Plain City. There was an accident or something when I drove into town. Police lights flashed and a cop motioned me on.

I pulled off the side of the road by the railroad tracks. I gave a woman from my past, one I didn’t know well, a ride. We went to a storage unit, and all I really remember is it was contaminated. Like an old shed filled with half full paint cans, thinner, and buckets of dirty oil.

I didn’t belong there.

I left.

This morning when I woke up, it wasn’t Plain City’s dreamscape I remembered right away.

parasit_latex_maske__demon_parasite_latex_mask[1] It was the demon(s). In the final bit of the dream, I flashed back. Saw myself with the broken cross in hand, standing before a closet with sliding doors, the right side open.

Men’s dress shirts danced and floated with the demon’s anger.

But I couldn’t banish it.

It wouldn’t leave.

Doesn’t take a dream interpreter to see the parallel with my real life does it?

---------------------------------Moving On ---------------------------------------

Surgery (mastectomy) on the 27th.

Hope it’s not my last day on the planet.

If so, everything will be all right.

You’ll see.

Met with the plastic surgeon yesterday. He asked to see my belly, asked to see my boobs, asked to see my butt….I think he was mackin on me…ha.

I’m all over the place. Earlier this week I went to a breast cancer survivor group. It seemed like women in their late 50’s, early 60’s. A lot of them didn’t bother with reconstruction.  One even showed me her scar.  I thought, hmm, not too bad, not too bad at all.

And when I left I thought reconstruction wasn’t worth the pain.

But then I met the plastic surgeon (PS), and HELLO implants. I’m going to get reconstruction at the time of surgery. Looks like decent sized “C” cups. We’ll see. Boobs aren’t a big thing with me; certainly not worth dying over.  And it increases recovery by two WHOLE WEEKS!!  But one surgery, one recovery!

The PS pushed me really hard to get them…said he’s done it for years and never ever met a woman my age who regretted reconstruction, but many who did regret NOT doing it.  I can’t do the FLAP surgeries because there’s not enough fat.  hahahaha….I don’t expect that to be a problem this time next year tho.

Ok. I made a decision. (It happens!)  Based on the new study which came out at the beginning of September, I’ve decided to just go with a Sentinel Node Biopsy (SNB). Usually the surgeon goes in, takes out the Sentinel(s), looks at them, if there is cancer, they scoop out the axillary as well. This is primarily diagnostic in my case because we already know I’m taking chemo, and if there is cancer in the Sentinels, radiation as well because this cancer is aggressive.

For women with axillary dissection, at about 10 years out, half of them have lymphedema.  This is a photo of “moderate to severe” lymphedema.  Almost as freaky as the demon ain’t it?

So this study Z0011 came out in September. It was done with women having lumpectomies. They took half the group and did just a SNB, and half and did the standard axillary. Some of the women required radiation if the Sentinel’s had cancer, some didn’t. After 6.3 years they discovered no significant difference between the two groups for recurrence and/or survival.

Essentially, women who undergo axillary dissection are way more likely to have lymphedema. Their quality of life is significantly, negatively, impacted with it, and imo, aren’t really better off at all.

Of course the elephant in the room is…what if it’s already spread to other places in my body? Knowing 15 of 20 axillaries are cancer-free, or malignant would help me to know more, maybe. They aren’t giving me anymore scans unless I have symptoms.  But I can live with a little mystery to keep the use of my right arm. 

So here is hoping the cancer hasn’t slipped into other parts of my body. That will not be good. Not good at all.

Please God, don’t let it be in my lymph nodes. Because if it is, I will have to take radiation and it will totally mess up my new boob job.

Now you have to wonder, how many prayers do you think God gets a day about boob jobs? 


Comments
on Oct 06, 2010

Your dreams read like your stories!  I will remember that "my weird dreams" are dull to others in the future, but yours are worth telling as you do it so well!

And I will pray for you and your surgery.  I would not worry about how many God gets.  After all - just think of how many he gets FROM boobs!

on Oct 06, 2010

After all - just think of how many he gets FROM boobs!

 

on Oct 06, 2010

Great imagery. It's funny, not haha, but odd how our dreams reflect life. It's a release I think. Thanks for the update.

You know what? I'll bet God gets lots of prayers about boobs, from men, women and from boobs! He's heard it all.

on Oct 06, 2010

Tova, they say if the dreams are close to your waking, they don't count. I'm one of those guys that fall asleep with the TV on and I've noticed it gives really strange subliminal messages to my subconscious. Especially those wacky late night infomercials. Throughly entertaining though.

When the wife had cancer (not breast), she had traces in 13 out of the 20. The chemo cleared it out, no problem.

As for the boobies, sure it is nice to have a little something to hold onto, but IMO shapely hips, smooth thighs, and cute belly button above a a cute... well you get the idea, is much more attractive (nothing against motor boating of course). I don't believe as many men put a big a premium on boobs as folks are lead to believe. We all know that the larger they are, the quicker they will be heading south for retirement. Many woman may feel that is (one of) their best features, and any guy would be a creep if he didn't support his wifes feelings. This only serves to deter the opening of more topless beaches (  ) and keep Victoria's Secret in the expensive bra business. Of course this may be an opportunity to have those twenty something breasts that some women consider later in life.

...and yes that doctor was mackin on you. Can you blame him? You said yourself that there were many "older" ladies (50's and 60's) at the survivor group meeting. I'm sure you were a refreshing change for the doc. He didn't happen to have a camera pen in his shirt pocket did he???

on Oct 06, 2010

and yes that doctor was mackin on you. Can you blame him? You said yourself that there were many "older" ladies (50's and 60's) at the survivor group meeting. I'm sure you were a refreshing change for the doc.

I dunno.  He was cute tho.  My cancer team consists of four handsome young doctors.  I almost hate to go bald in front of them...

The PS said, "I need to see your breasts."

He reached for a robe in his desk drawer and by the time he turned around I was topless!  lol

What?  Did you miss the handsome part?!? 

Actually, at this point, pretty much everyone at the hospital has seen my boobs.  Never thought I'd get comfortable with it, but, pfft, there it is.

As for the boobies, sure it is nice to have a little something to hold onto, but IMO shapely hips, smooth thighs, and cute belly button above a a cute... well you get the idea, is much more attractive (nothing against motor boating of course). I don't believe as many men put a big a premium on boobs as folks are lead to believe. We all know that the larger they are, the quicker they will be heading south for retirement. Many woman may feel that is (one of) their best features, and any guy would be a creep if he didn't support his wifes feelings.

Lol, my husband couldn't care less.  He's all about...just get it out!  NOW!!!  The good thing about reconstruction is, I get new ones every 10 years or so....up or down in size, or just have them taken out...so I'm not stuck for life. 

(I didn't realize breast implants have a "shelf" life of about 10 years, give or take 5!)

 

When the wife had cancer (not breast), she had traces in 13 out of the 20. The chemo cleared it out, no problem

Thanks for telling me that, I love to hear good news about lymphs! hahaha.  Wow, a year ago I wouldn't have even know what that meant!

 

Tova, they say if the dreams are close to your waking, they don't count. I'm one of those guys that fall asleep with the TV on and I've noticed it gives really strange subliminal messages to my subconscious. Especially those wacky late night infomercials. Throughly entertaining though.

During one of my husband's many deployments, I watched the entire Buffy the Vampire Slayer series on DVD.  Talk about wild dreams...whoa!  I loved it.

 

You know what? I'll bet God gets lots of prayers about boobs, from men, women and from boobs! He's heard it all.

Yup.  I don't really think I could say anything shocking to God.  He's pretty much heard it all.

 

on Oct 06, 2010

Yep, your dream is reflective of what you're experiencing right now.  Notice the inference to the broken cross, it's what you think your relationship (not saying it's bad or anything), but rather how you think it is [our last converse].  

 

Personally, I think it's great that you dream, it helps to release some of that fear. This is your way to 'fight' this demon that holds you captive.  You and our family are in my thoughts and prayers T.

on Oct 06, 2010

Oy, you think I would use the spell checker "our" shoud be "your"! 

on Oct 07, 2010

Personally, I think it's great that you dream, it helps to release some of that fear. This is your way to 'fight' this demon that holds you captive. You and our family are in my thoughts and prayers T.

Oh I agree.  Dreaming is a good thing, even when its bad.  Kinda like sex....lol.

on Oct 07, 2010

(I didn't realize breast implants have a "shelf" life of about 10 years, give or take 5!)

Hum, I did not know that either. Perhaps because of the issues past with silicone. I assume the majority now are saline. See this is becoming a learning experience for us too, just wish it were different circumstances.

It would almost be worth it to have a zipper (or Velcro) installed. Sorta sounds like having tires changed. I wonder if free valve stems and a front end alignment get thrown in?

Thanks for telling me that, I love to hear good news about lymphs! hahaha. Wow, a year ago I wouldn't have even know what that meant!

My pleasure. She also never lost her hair. It did make her sick as a dog though and wreck havoc on her monthly cycle.

on Oct 08, 2010

Hum, I did not know that either. Perhaps because of the issues past with silicone. I assume the majority now are saline. See this is becoming a learning experience for us too, just wish it were different circumstances.

UGH!  I posted a big response to you Nitro, but JU ate it!!

So here is a summary.  The silicone thing was groundless and the FDA (after conducting research) allowed them back on the market.  Saline just doesn't look real, it ripples, and a bunch of other things that women find aesthetically unacceptable.

In general, they are re-done every 10 years or so because they sag (news to me!), and because the scar tissue around them tends to harden so it needs cleaned out.  However, women who undergo reconstruction (and not just a standard boob job) have a higher incident of problems and about 25-30% of them need to have some sort of corrective surgery within 3 years.  (I will likely fall into this category if my lymphs are positive and need radiation). 

I am getting the gummy bear implants.  They are silicone gel, but like a gummy bear, so if it breaks open or ruptures, the gel just sits there.

The worst part is recovery.  4 weeks!  That's longer than for a mastectomy.  A woman can't dislodge the implant before the scar tissue forms or she'll be uneven, and could knock the boob into a weird position (too far up, down, sideways).  Oh, and I'm not sure when, but they generally tattoo a nipple on.  They can "graft" it from other parts of the body....but, uh, I'm not doing that.  

 

 

on Oct 08, 2010

Saline just doesn't look real, it ripples, and a bunch of other things that women find aesthetically unacceptable.

I can see where that would be an issue - especially on a water bed!

on Oct 08, 2010

I can see where that would be an issue - especially on a water bed!

I've only read a little about them because my plastic surgeon refuses to use them.  He says they just don't live up to a woman's expectations....instead of a firmish looking breast, it's rippling like a water balloon.

I don't know.  I can't really tell the difference looking at pics, so I'm just taking his word for it.

 

on Oct 09, 2010

I like gummy bears!

on Oct 09, 2010

MMMMMMMM...Gummy boobs....Thoughts and prayers to ya.