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Breast Cancer Diary Excerpt
Published on October 1, 2010 By Tova7 In Blogging

SERIOUS WOE-IS-ME SNARKINESS AHEAD………..also references to the female anatomy, um, and some cussing….so if that offends, you might wanna skip this……

 

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For someone who is all about rabid quality of life and not quantity, a woman doesn’t “survive” breast cancer. She may get a reprieve, but eventually, one way or another it gets her; in whole, or in bite size pieces.

Today I took Gavin to the park. It was about 70 degrees. I sat freezing in my hoodie and read Carolyn’s book. And it sank in, for the first time, my life is never going to be the same again. You may think, well duh. But, I’ve read so many stories about how women have “beaten the cancer” and survived, gone on to live full ‘good’ lives. Really? Because if that’s true, then I just want to say, someone is lyin’ (or our definitions of good are vastly different).

With invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC), the lump (by pieces or the whole breast) and lymph nodes are taken to determine if the cancer is in the lymph system. Once the lymphs are gone, the arm is more prone to infection. Other issues result like problems with range of motion; can’t get blood pressure taken, blood drawn, flying can also be a problem because the lymph fluid can build up in the arm; no weight training. There are a whole host of problems a woman will likely have with that arm. And, god forbid, when she gets fat, and oh yes there is a 60-96% chance (where oh where do they get these numbers?!) she will be a porker at the end of this “journey.” And of course, obesity makes lymphedema so much worse. Doubt me? Wiki has some grreeeeeeat pics. Just don’t look while eating.

Of course, on chemo, besides losing hair and the long list of side effects like: irreversible damage to the heart, damage (sometimes permanent) to mental acuity, (jokingly referred to as “chemo brain,”), periodontal problems, infections, blood clots (which may just kill you, ask my Aunt Shelby, oh you can’t because the blood clots from chemo killed her!), fatigue, and weight gain, you also get to take drugs to keep you from hurling. Guess what they do? That’s right. The drugs to keep you from puking up your stomach lining make you fat. And that’s not all. Tell the lucky breast cancer recipient what other prizes she has in store Johnny!

Menopause.

~Crowd cheers wildly ~

Chemo tends to throw a woman into menopause.

In fact, I’ve read fairly consistently that the bones and body age a decade in a single year of poisoning, and for some women two decades. Imagine if twelve months from now you woke up with all the weight your body will gain in the next ten years, or twenty. And you know it ain’t from eating since you can barely keep anything down. Your arm hurts. You don’t have a tit. You sweat, have chills, are grumpy, and on top of all that, have a dry vagina. I mean, really? A boob isn’t bad enough? The vagina has to be thrown in for good measure?

Who the hell has sex with these women?

Oh that’s right….low libido too.

No one!

See my point about survival? About defining “good” living?

In the first Shrek movie, there is a scene where Donkey and Shrek have to cross a “rickety old bridge over a boiling lake of lava.” Donkey wants none of it. But Shrek, he wants his life back, and to get his life back he has to rescue the princess. And the princess is in the castle, in the highest tower, across the boiling lake of lava.

So the risk of that rickety old bridge is worth it. The risk to his life may lead to getting his life back exactly as it was before. Donkey on the other hand, is fairly content with life, so the risk of the bridge is not even worth considering.

I can’t help but think of breast cancer “treatment” like that rickety old bridge. Except in my scenario a choleric old Troll is standing in front of it demanding a breast, my hair, an arm, my energy, and my youth, as payment to just step onto the rotting slats. I can’t go backward or around because the ground behind me is crumbling beneath my feet, falling down down down into the Nothing. There’s nowhere to go but forward…but oh the price!

Even paying such a high toll, there are no guarantees the rickety old bridge will stay together long enough to carry me across. In fact, I’m not sure because the waves of heat distort my vision, and my brain isn’t working the way it should, but I think there is ANOTHER TROLL in the middle of the bridge. He wants to give me a something; a heart problem, a new cancer, internal organ damage; you know, a gift for making it half way across bald, without a boob, without an arm, grumpy, and a dry vagina.

If I make it past that troll, the bridge will hang low sweet chariot, because one of the gifts of walking it involves packing on the pounds. And then there is always the risk, the ever present reality of the lava, the weak tread of the bridge, the heat. Some women succumb to the heat. Others see the second troll and jump, or the bridge collapses from all the weight, sending the bald-headed, one boobed, one armed, grumpy, dry vagina into a hellish death.

I know me. I’ll be grumpy and will try to fight the bastard with my good arm. In the end though, I’m a bald, one-armed, one-boobed, menopausal, chemo brained fat ass with a dry vagina. He’ll take his pound of flesh, grant his gifts and laugh as I pass.

Rat bastard.

If I make it to the other side, sure I can say I “survived.” After all my heart is still beating, maybe a little off-kilter, maybe. But still beating.

Big whoop!

Some wiser, “gentler” women, who have tread the bridge before me say that when I roll up on the other side, scarred, out of breath from being so fat, tired, I’ll be thankful. That’s right. Thankful.

Hair grows back after all. Teeth can be veneered. Boobs can be rebuilt. Franken boobs aren’t quite the real deal, but with the lights off you can barely tell the difference.

What’s life without a goal? Losing all that weight, while not using my right arm, will be just what the Dr orders, literally.

Who needs mental acuity? Fake it till you make it. (Worked so far ain’t it?)

And those pesky potential internal organ problems? Puh-lease. Out of sight, out of mind.

Vaginal dryness? Two words. KY Jelly.

Low libido? See “mental acuity.”

Is it wrong to be annoyed when most of the women who offer such sage advice were biologically already in this field of dreams? So the transition for them wasn’t so much measured in how much they lost, but in degree of things they were already accustomed to being gone.

I get added gift of starting onto the rickety old bridge fairly young and healthy. And in 12 months I get to be a grumpy, fat ass old lady, bald, with one boob, one arm, and a dry vagina.

Wow. That’s livin!


Comments (Page 1)
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on Oct 01, 2010

You are a fantastic writer!

It seems you have a lot of anger now, and perhaps that is coloring your view of the books you read.  But regardless of what it is, I say you should write one of those books about your experiences.  It is clear there is a lot of fear there and most I would suspect have it.  And yes, it is nice to read Pollyanna type of stories of hope.  But most people also want to know that what they are feeling is normal and real.  I think with your writing gift, you can provide that reality to others. 

There is a place for the Pollyanna books.  But there is also a need for reality books as well.  It tells people that while yes, there is hope, the feelings they have NOW are not unusual.

on Oct 01, 2010

I'm pissed for you.

on Oct 01, 2010

It really does suck. 

on Oct 01, 2010

It seems you have a lot of anger now, and perhaps that is coloring your view of the books you read.

I'm reading the medical literature for facts Doc.  There's nothing to color.  The facts are the facts.

Right now, I don't feel like writing for other women.  Right now I'm too mad.  Maybe when I'm fat, old, one boobed, and not having sex, I will have plenty of time to contemplate a book..well, unless I actually keep chemobrain.

on Oct 01, 2010

It really does suck.
I'm pissed for you.

I hope it was a little bit funny...I mean you guys know me, and while I was really pissed off when I wrote it, now I kinda laugh....of course I could be losing my marbles....that may be what I hear rolling across the tiles in the kitchen...

on Oct 01, 2010

I'm reading the medical literature for facts Doc. There's nothing to color. The facts are the facts.

I was not aware they were medical.  The way you described them they sounded like personal stories of women who have been there. 

But I still say you should write a book now.  Maybe not publish it until later, but put down what you are writing here (and thinking about now).  This is a guide for people like you during the early stages of discovery.  because while I said you sounded angry (and you said you were mad), don't you think many are?  They are just not as eloquent as you.  The book would be an affirmation that - yes it sucks!  yes it is not fair! - but you will not be dictated to by a circumstance.

I see this writing of yours as much as a narrative as it is a way of fighting back.  You are not a doctor, but medicine is only half of any battle like this.  The other half is mental (and I think in that area, you are doing fantastic).  Your writing would show others the truth of it all in a way that is not only easy to read, but enjoyable as well.  And affirm to them that the cancer is a part of your life, it is not your life.

That was all I was trying to say.  But unfortunately, my writing sucks when it compares to yours, and I do not think I got that across.

And thanks for sharing.  I found it a bookmarkable article that should ever the need arise, I will ask my loved one (or even myself) read.

on Oct 01, 2010

of course I could be losing my marbles

When a women is told she is losing her marbles, she bangs her head with her palm and tries to verify they are all still there.

A man looks at his crotch.

on Oct 01, 2010

You are a fantastic writer!

Most definitely...I was riveted through the whole thing. Couldn't take time out for even a sip of green tea!

In the end though, I’m a bald, one-armed, one-boobed, menopausal, chemo brained fat ass with a dry vagina. He’ll take his pound of flesh, grant his gifts and laugh as I pass..... If I make it to the other side, sure I can say I “survived.” After all my heart is still beating, maybe a little off-kilter, maybe. But still beating. Big whoop!

Yes, it's a big whoop...to your family whom you'll kiss and hug and love and vice versa. Same goes for your extended "family" here on JU. We are all hoping and praying for you.

I see it as the the ups and downs of life and in one way or another every person has them.

 

  

on Oct 01, 2010

Yes, it's a big whoop...to your family whom you'll kiss and hug and love and vice versa. Same goes for your extended "family" here on JU. We are all hoping and praying for you.

I see it as the the ups and downs of life and in one way or another every person has them.

Maybe if I was a tad bit older, I would be a little more accepting.  But I am the only woman under 65 right now in our BC center.  And they're all a little "too" accepting...meaning they weren't surprised at their age to have "something like this" happen, or they have multiple other health issues and this just adds right onto it.

Well, I'm not so gracious.  It's not my nature.  I'm not crying why me, because WHY NOT ME?  But it still makes me angry....I won't ever be grateful or thankful to have years and health stolen from me, but I'll get over it...eventually...hahahaha.  That or I'll be dead, and then I'll technically be over it...

Most definitely...I was riveted through the whole thing. Couldn't take time out for even a sip of green tea!

Green tea...great antioxidant!!  Reading about the "power of food" though not sure if I believe all of it or not....some of it gets kinda complicated...

 

on Oct 01, 2010

I was not aware they were medical. The way you described them they sounded like personal stories of women who have been there.

They're both.  So you were right.  The side effects and symptoms are straight from the medical literature though.  And you communicate just fine....

on Oct 01, 2010

the first thing I thought of is I know three ladies who were thin before breast cancer and are still thin after breast cancer.   I know my friend Cathy had arm motion problems as a result of taking lymph nodes out but today is fine (8 years later).  She started out heavy but lost weight and just recently lost 20 lbs while fighting this latest bout of cancer.  While she's glad she lost the weight she's not happy it had to happen this way. 

I think it's diff for diff folks.  Sort of like the commercials we all see when they give you this great medical cure all for your problem and then end with the side effects that could happen.  After hearing about the side affects, you have to ask who would dare take the medicine because it sounds worse than the original medical problem in the first place. 

Remember just because alot of things can happen (like blood clots) not everything does.  Stay positive.  

On another note I do think your sense of humor will take you far and will serve you very well during this time.  If ever it's needed it's now.  It served my friend cathy well.  She loved taking her false boob off and putting it on someone's desk at work.  She scared the UPS men more than once with her wig and boob laying around her office!   

 

 

on Oct 02, 2010

I know my friend Cathy had arm motion problems as a result of taking lymph nodes out but today is fine (8 years later)

This is fairly simplisitc but there are 3 stages of lymphedema.  The first can be "Reversed" (ie managed) the other two can't really be changed, just accomodated.

the first thing I thought of is I know three ladies who were thin before breast cancer and are still thin after breast cancer.

Gaining and losing significant amounts of weight on chemo isn't based on willpower KFC, and really not even on an individual woman's body type.

There are different types of breast cancer.  And different types within the types.  I have a fairly aggressive type, and it is being treated with aggressive chemo.  To keep the chemo from killing me, I must take steroids 4 days a week for 6 months.  (Other women with less aggressive types may take it a lot less, or may not have to take it at all.  Lucky ducks.)

Steroids, by definition, blow a person up.  The medical oncologist told me yesterday that the "average" woman gains 50 pounds over 6 months on the treatment he's giving me.  (And the Mayo clinic has a brochure about all the issues related to weight gain with chemo.)  But, because I have hypothyroid problems as well, it could be more since the chemo will play havoc with the medication I take for that (which literally keeps my metabolism running..).  There's nothing they can do about that...I just have to suck it up.

Of course you can always find an exception to the rule, but when it comes to my breast cancer and treatment, losing weight while on chemo generally means it has spread (and probably to the liver).

They will weigh me every week when I go in for the poison and if I start dropping weight, well, that is "symptomatic of potential liver metastasis and requires further testing."

So while I am not looking forward to being fat, and bald, in my case, it is a better sign of effective treatment than being bald and skinny. 

As for attitude.  Seems like on sunny days I'm good to go.  Dreary days make me a bit, uh, grumpy.  I'll be on chemo all winter.  And you know how much sunshine we get here in Ohio, especially in the winter....lol.

I'm seriously considering going to a tanning bed a couple times a week, until I'm too sick to go...just laying there with my clothes on and absorbing the light.

 

 

 

on Oct 02, 2010

Steroids, by definition, blow a person up.

Cathy never mentioned this.  She's on steriods right now.  She's calling it a steriod high.  She loves it.  It makes her feel really really good she says. 

She called me last Monday with bad news.  Her breast cancer is very very agressive as well and had already spread thru her whole body before they discovered it this time.  They just found a tumor pressing on her lungs.  She was having trouble breathing even while talking with me on the phone.   I prayed with her as it was a very upsetting phone call.  Usually upbeat she was very discouraged.   

She was getting ready to go into the doctor's that afternoon.  Two days later she called me again after playing phone tag for a day.  I was floored at how well she sounded.  She told me she was on a steriod high and felt great.  Huge difference.  Anyhow the doctor said they were going to kick the *poop* out of her tumors.  Some had already shrunk as a result of the medicine working and some had grown so they were switching her up.   So when it comes to steroids she's all for them but I don't ever remember her saying there was a weight issue maybe it's because she's fairly heavy to begin with and after losing a bunch of weight it evens out.  The doctor said the only reason she gave it to her was because she was feeling so bad.  I mean she was feeling bad enough to just want to die.  But today she's so much better.  It's just a day by day thing. 

And you know how much sunshine we get here in Ohio, especially in the winter....lol.

yes, I was getting grumpy at times for lack of sun and being so cooped up at times when I was there.  So I can only imagine if you're not feeling well how that will be.  But remember if you want a few days of sunshine come on down!  Seriously.  We'll have so much fun driving around in a golf cart you won't want to leave!! 

 

 

on Oct 02, 2010

Cathy never mentioned this. She's on steriods right now. She's calling it a steriod high. She loves it. It makes her feel really really good she says.

Lol.  Yes, they do make you feel great...no doubt...but the side effects stink.  This is from the mayo clinic and mimicks what I was given, though it doesn't give as much detail...

Side effects of oral corticosteroids
Because oral corticosteroids affect your entire body instead of just a particular area, this form is the most likely to cause significant side effects. Side effects depend on the dose of medication you receive. Within days or weeks of starting oral therapy, you may have an increased risk of:

  • Elevated pressure in the eyes (glaucoma)
  • Fluid retention, causing swelling in your lower legs
  • Increased blood pressure
  • Mood swings
  • Weight gain, with fat deposits in your abdomen, face and the back of your neck

 I'm not going to worry about the weight gain.  I know it will happen, and I will be aware of what I'm eating...though from watching my aunt the last 5 years on chemo I can tell you, some weeks she ate whatever she could keep down no matter the caloric content.  I will try to stay as active as I can.  There's not much else I can do.

 

on Oct 02, 2010

She called me last Monday with bad news. Her breast cancer is very very agressive as well and had already spread thru her whole body before they discovered it this time. They just found a tumor pressing on her lungs. She was having trouble breathing even while talking with me on the phone. I prayed with her as it was a very upsetting phone call. Usually upbeat she was very discouraged.

I'm so sorry to read this KFC.  That is one thing the literature seems to agree on....like demons returning to a cleaned out soul, clean but empty.....cancer comes back and brings friends, more virulent and nasty than the original.

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